Pre-teen boy 1: "Do you masturbate?"
Pre-teen boy 2: "NO!... Do you?"
Pre-teen boy 1: "NO of course not!"
{Brief thoughtful silence}
Pre-teen boy 2: "Do girls masturbate?"
Pre-teen boy 1: "No stupid. Gurls dont masturbate, they menstruate!"
{Furious wise nodding}
Ah men. Imagine what gems these two will grow up to be.
Views on the subject are by and large the same for the majority of the human race. Even those that flout this 'law' know that they are doing something wrong, they just chose to do it anyway.
I have never believed in fidelity. As a concept. I think its wrong to tell someone who they can be with, and to restrict someones freedom in the matter of who they decide to love, or how many, has never been an easy thing for me to wrap my head around. I want the person Im with to choose me. Choose me from real options, not imaginary or hypothetical ones. Choose me even though they were free to be with whomever they chose and did not risk losing me if they did find someone else to also spend time with. My only demand is honesty. You have to ell me whats happening. Deception is not acceptable.
As a result, I have given this freedom to every man Ive ever been with. Most men puff up in anticipation of receiving such an offer... that is until they realise they have to reciprocate. I have had boyfriends for, oh, 5 years now, and I have always extended this offer at the begining of every relationship.
No one has ever taken me up on it.
That may be why Im still resolved to tell men they can fuck around while they are with me. Having been with remarkably faithful and devoted men my whole life, the concept of sharing is still hypothetical. Hypothetically Im willing to share. I just dont know if I could in real life.
Lately Ive been faced with a disturbing situation, that doesnt match this scenario exactly, but is broadly related. My reaction was not promising. It seems the whole concept of sharing, actually sharing is limited to, at the most, a random drunken fumble with a stranger at a riotous party. Invole things like history, emotion and a real connection and Im a vindictive bitch with a firestorm of a temper.
However.
Im all this on the inside. On the outside Im all support and encouragement.
Does it still count?
I was one of the last amongst my friends to lose my virginity. And in my late teens and beyond I was a leeeettle sensitive about the issue. Its actually quite a study in the human psyche, If you think about something enough, It will soon seem like everyone thinks about the same thing.
This happened to me, during this particular phase of my life.
I was flying by myself, from London to New Delhi on a British Airways Flight, and as the title suggests, I was unbeleivably late. I huffed up escalators, lugging a month worth of shopping with me, crawled under the bars at security and finally dragged myself onto the plane, cringing under the disapproving glares of passengers and stewardesses alike. I thought the glares and a cold meal would be the worst of it. I was wrong.
I dragged my overstuffed hand bag (This happened in the days before airport security madness, when touching up your makeup inflight wasnt an act of terrorism) through the aisles, staring at the carpeting before me and trying to look pathetic, sad and generally apologetic. As a result I didnt look at my seat until I was a few rows away.
British Airways really knows how to torture a gurl. My seat was smack in the middle of the row, this is murder enough for someone who is 5'10" tall, but what really made my gut sink to my toes, were the occupants of every seat in the same row.
Buddhist Monks.
Thats right. Seven Monks and me.
The virgin row. (Take that Virgin, Iv brought you into the belly of your competition)
I stood there, staring at my seat in open mouthed diesbelief. Was I carrying a sign or something? How did they know???
Ive never been late for a flight EVER again.
I hate not being in control. A friend of mine recently told me that I always planned an Iron clad escape route from every relationship Ive ever been in, and Ive realised that its true. I have always been afraid of being caught with my pants down, so to speak, so I make sure that I include some clause somewhere that would let me escape with a whole skin and my dignity intact.
The problem with playing this cowardly game, and generally being an annoying twit by trying to outwit your emotions, karma and the universes will, is that eventually the universe gets sick of you and decides to teach you who's boss. Damn youre in trouble in now.
{I really thought I had it all covered. There was no way in hell that i could come out of this as anything but unscathed, and totally cool.
Boy was I wrong. Its like.... Heck Ive never fucking been here before. I feel reduced to my sixteen year old self. All sweaty palms and trembling lips and yearning heart. Full of questions I dont have the courage to ask and feelings I dont know what to do with. Isnt one of the advantages of being 21 that you dont have to play the silly teenage mating games anymore? That youre sophisticated and experianced, and unruffleable.
BAH.
I feel like the universe has yanked the rug out from under my feet, and Im lying on my ass on a cold stone floor with my legs arranged over my head, my jaw hanging open in shock as twenty years worth of ridiculous sentimental bullshit is seeping its way out of my pores.}
And because you supressed that part of you for so long, when it finally escapes, it explodes out of you. An absolute monster in its invincibility and disregard for reason. A bawling, screaming, wailing toothless infant that is immune to concepts like self respect, composure or independance.
Its mine, he screams, I WANT it NOW. There is no way to silence this particular Beast of Id. You can only bite your lips together to keep them from opening and saying the things youre feeling outloud and emabarassing the crap out of yourself and forcing you to retire to a mountain top where the only creature who will hear you whine is the odd goat who'll glance at you disapprovingly before ushering its kids away so as to prevent them from picking up what is most certainly a vile kind of human madness.
I have been poleaxed by the universe. I feel like an absolute idiot.
