Stars

You are happy. Content. You have found what you were looking for your whole life, and I have never been new to you. A part of you for forever. I fit inside your head.

A prisoner?

Certainly. I have no choice it seems in how we are. What we are. I exist inside the bubble you have created for yourself, and my unwillingness to be exactly what you have always wanted has no effect at all on reality or what it is that I could possibly want in my future.

A future with you?

How does it matter. I have a plan that I can live by, one that you have created and will probably amend and construct as you see fit. I have never been asked, and I suppose you could say that I never volunteered any opinions.

I was waiting, because I thought you might want to know what I wanted.

You decided to dispense with the first year of us, you went straight to comfort and familiarity and I have been floating around behind you, a kite on a string in a soft breeze. No option, no recourse just a thin tie to the person way below me, who holds entwined in his fingers my entire life.

You seem to think I want the same things that you do, that I’m at the same place that you are. That I am you.

The rush is what I live for. After its over I leave because I hate the tedium of being in love with someone so completely that its ok that things aren’t perfect. I hate that sex becomes something that has been pre-discussed and routine. I never stay after the rush is over. There is never anything to stay for.

I had decided to stay for you. I had decided that you were going to be worth growing old and boring and completely oblivious to the demands of youth and the thirst for constant excitement and action with.

So you are killing us before we even started. I hate that you have an iron clad reason for me to be alone. You sleep three inches away from me and I couldn’t reach across the distance and touch you to save me from choking to death on the thick loneliness that suffocates me every time I stop moving.

You are in this alone honey, and you have made it so that I could never tell you how much I will miss you. How much I already do.

You might as well say goodbye. You asked me to leave before I decided to stay. You sent me away because you knew I was coming.

i wont cry for you baby. You never let me feel enough to cry. You never let me be a part of you and me. You never let me be me.

I am the girl you wanted. I hope that you will be happy with her, for as long as she exists.

Prophecy

Somewhere in a little house
On the plains and greens that surround you
Under a blue sky
I wander and wait
My heart in a cloth bag
I drag along behind me


Along these lonely streets
Somewhere
There is a door that will open
And I will find you
Looking for me

"... crazy"

You scare me.

Not because you are going to fast, or because of the scary lecture that you gave me some nights ago.

You scare me because it would be so easy to just let go.

To trust that this will not end without a good reason, that you wont ever see me like I do, that you wont wake up one morning and wonder why there is a child sleeping in the bed next to you, instead of a grown up.

To let you become my life completely and be deliriously happy when we meet after work (or whatever I would call it then) and know that there is no other place that either of us would want to be.

To know that this is real.

Not a foolish whim, or a another way to find what you had been looking for for years and have suddenly found, in someone that may not interest you once you've made up for what you had lost.

I know, that if fell in love with you, it would be the kind of love that scares me when I see it in other people. That repulses me in movies and songs and the old couple snuggling on a park bench. All consuming. Overwhelming. The kind of love you could drown in if you arent careful.

So I have to be careful.

I could live inside you so easily baby, without thinking or noticing I had moved. Without regretting anything that I would have left behind. Because I would have you.

You scare me because if I came to depend on what I sometimes see in your eyes now, I would die if you stopped looking at me like that.

No, not die. You cant die of a broken heart.

You can only pine for a lifetime, curled up in a backalley of your mind, begging passing shadows to have mercy and kick you to death. Living on the memory of a kiss you shared years ago.

So im scared. Not conflicted, not unsure, not averse to changing my facebook status without being asked. Just scared.

That i will love you like a foolish child, and you will love me like a dignified adult.

The Dave Matthews Song Man

Can't see the light

Open up my head and let me out, little baby

'Cause here we have been standing for a long, long time

Treading trodden trails for a long, long time

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say

...and yet we say nothing. To each other. Everyone I speak to about you will comment, on the redness of my cheeks, the brighness of my eyes, the laughter that fast becomes incessant.

Crazy how it feels tonight

Crush me with the things you do

Sitting smoking feeling high

And in this moment it feels so right

Im smiling, but I dont know why. Perhaps, I have to wait for you to tell me to stop.

Rain on me in my dream,

and time drives my mind

oh Im not safe

and no one can save you

for some reason talk to me

I talk to you, I talk to myself

talk to someone else

Something to get lost in, a gallery of protraits that runs endlessly. Each face in it strikes a chord. You remember something else, and it makes you laugh and look eagerly at the next painting on the wall.

And now our finest hour arrives,

See the pig dressed in his finest fine

And all the believers stand behind him and smile

And the day lights up with fire

Let me in

Let me in

I stopped feeling crazed, betrayed

Out on my window ledge

How much do you have to touch a persons mind before you can touch their bodies?

I fall so hard inside the idea of you

That's why with you I can't say what I mean

Wanna stay but I think

God get me outta here

I fall so hard inside the idea of you