Stars
You are happy. Content. You have found what you were looking for your whole life, and I have never been new to you. A part of you for forever. I fit inside your head.
A prisoner?
Certainly. I have no choice it seems in how we are. What we are. I exist inside the bubble you have created for yourself, and my unwillingness to be exactly what you have always wanted has no effect at all on reality or what it is that I could possibly want in my future.
A future with you?
How does it matter. I have a plan that I can live by, one that you have created and will probably amend and construct as you see fit. I have never been asked, and I suppose you could say that I never volunteered any opinions.
I was waiting, because I thought you might want to know what I wanted.
You decided to dispense with the first year of us, you went straight to comfort and familiarity and I have been floating around behind you, a kite on a string in a soft breeze. No option, no recourse just a thin tie to the person way below me, who holds entwined in his fingers my entire life.
You seem to think I want the same things that you do, that I’m at the same place that you are. That I am you.
The rush is what I live for. After its over I leave because I hate the tedium of being in love with someone so completely that its ok that things aren’t perfect. I hate that sex becomes something that has been pre-discussed and routine. I never stay after the rush is over. There is never anything to stay for.
I had decided to stay for you. I had decided that you were going to be worth growing old and boring and completely oblivious to the demands of youth and the thirst for constant excitement and action with.
So you are killing us before we even started. I hate that you have an iron clad reason for me to be alone. You sleep three inches away from me and I couldn’t reach across the distance and touch you to save me from choking to death on the thick loneliness that suffocates me every time I stop moving.
You are in this alone honey, and you have made it so that I could never tell you how much I will miss you. How much I already do.
You might as well say goodbye. You asked me to leave before I decided to stay. You sent me away because you knew I was coming.
i wont cry for you baby. You never let me feel enough to cry. You never let me be a part of you and me. You never let me be me.
I am the girl you wanted. I hope that you will be happy with her, for as long as she exists.
11 comments:
Ever thought that the blame might actually lie with you?
If you don't know what you're looking for, you sure as hell won't find it.
Here's an idea. Talk to the dude. And not the pseudo honest shit either. If you don't let someone know how important they are to you - let them know, not have them figure it out for themselves - you'll never get rid of that loneliness you keep on about.
Or perhaps you're just not sure that this is the one, hmm?
W
Straight to the heart eh?
Sure, its easy to whine about what Im not getting, without having to deal with the mess and difficulty of saying what I want out loud.
The problem really is, I dont know him. The whole relationship happened in fast forward, and we are now at a point that it takes most people years to reach.
Up until now, we hadnt had any problems. So there wasnt an issue. NOW, we need to talk, and we cant because the issues are deep and important, but we dont know each other well enough to sort them out.
See?
I find myself misclicking and landing on rather interesting blogs as of late.
I'm fairly riveted, all I can say is, this isn't the last time this is going to happen. It's harsh, but true. That's life.
The inability to communicate even while completely immersed in their arms, with no measurable space between you, that's the tragic realization, and the even more tragic truth.
I'm not going to say anything about your case, since I can't possibly know it, but the whole fast forward thing, I know exactly what you mean. The only words I could use to describe it are words I'm afraid to say out loud, even for my own eyes to read.
Cheers.
Try talking. And be honest. Leave aside poetic asides on the agony and the ecstasy of the whole deal, and tell him what's got you so worked up - in plain language. Sure, it might not fit the melodrama of the situation, but then again, is a beautifully symbolic heartbreak what you really want?
A gurl shouldn't have to bend to kiss her man, sure - unless of course, the man she chooses is shorter than her. Chooses, yes?
W
Renovatio: Thanks, its nice to know its not just me...
W: The problem with baring your soul W, s that it tends to get rather cold hanging around butt naked, waiting to be offered a coat to snuggle up in.
talking would be the ideal situation, but how do you talk to someone who doesnt nderstand the first thing about you? Who claims to care a great deal, but has no basis for those feelings. How can you trust someone with a part of your soul, when you're not even sure where they keep theirs?
This is why I say take it slow in the begining. Nonetheless.
The finding of the soul is up to you. Thats why you should talk to him.
W
Mish, I've been wondering. If its worth it you bloody better bare your soul without thinking of the consequences.
If its the worth it.
Which brings us to the question: is anything worth enough for that to happen?
Honestly, don't talk. Scream. Helps. Hug.
Back to Square One eh??Haha...
Well No advice for today...Just an analysis of strong relationships..I have noticed over my puny 26 years that the strongest bonds are formed with arm ripping sacrifices...I cant handle that but can you?...Does it neeed to be arm ripping?...Depends on which arm.
Nicely put together.
you're scaring me. look, i know i'm no great authority, but just enjoy it yaar. you're lucky to be in a position where these thoughts can even occur to you.
Robert Jordan died last night. Damnit.
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