Dont read this post if you have never had a girlfriend

I have come to the conclusion, that I have never really loved anyone except myself, and I suppose my parents. The boys have come and gone, and yes there have been quite a few, but in all honesty, I never actually loved any of them. They were amusing and diverting and served one or more of numerous purposes (purposi?) and when they stopped being useful or fun I 'realised' that I no longer loved them, explained the situation as gently as I could and moved on.

If you are thinking 'bitch', then yes, you're quite right. I really was.

Ooh very clever, you have caught onto the 'was' bit! My life has changed a great deal since the advent of Blue nearly eight months ago. I know we all have ideas of how we will love, and who we will love and what kind of relationship we should have, but we really shouldnt bother. There will come a person who will simply make anything but themselves unimportant, and you will agree to whatever, because the warm bubbly feeling you get when you hear them say they love you is illegal to induce in any other way.

Strangely enough though, this post is not about the joys of love. I havent become that much of a pink puff ball, thank you very much. This post is about unhappiness, because with love and happiness comes hate and unhappiness. Its a rule, and you cant change it.

Insecurity. It is such a bitter word. I am faced with a past, that haunts me. If it was my past that haunted me i could still deal with it, but when the past that haunts you belongs to someone else its all you can do to just make sense of what it is that is making you so damn miserable.

I had a wonderful uncle who gave me the gift of sexual fear when I was very young, but its never been a problem until now. I curse him everyday, because the man has given me so much baggage that I can only dimly see the reason behind my raving mania, explainig to someone else is near impossible. When it comes to sex and love, and the way the two combine, there is such a mess of memory and hate and anger and fear and inadequacy in my head, that I become, well, borderline insane.

As a result, any mention of Blue's past exploits (and unfortunately for me, there are a lot of them) and I feel like I imagine a beer can must when some drunk man crushes it against his head. I deflate, I am crushed, I lose all former shape and huddle inside myself in puddle of what i was ten minutes ago.

I am not a possesive person, but the kind of rage and hate I am confronted with in these moments is paralysing. And i know that Blue doesnt understand. Its mostly because Blue doesnt know.

Ah forgive my lengthy ramblings. I love and I am loved. The rest can be swept under a carpet.