The Beast of Id

I hate not being in control. A friend of mine recently told me that I always planned an Iron clad escape route from every relationship Ive ever been in, and Ive realised that its true. I have always been afraid of being caught with my pants down, so to speak, so I make sure that I include some clause somewhere that would let me escape with a whole skin and my dignity intact.

The problem with playing this cowardly game, and generally being an annoying twit by trying to outwit your emotions, karma and the universes will, is that eventually the universe gets sick of you and decides to teach you who's boss. Damn youre in trouble in now.

{I really thought I had it all covered. There was no way in hell that i could come out of this as anything but unscathed, and totally cool.

Boy was I wrong. Its like.... Heck Ive never fucking been here before. I feel reduced to my sixteen year old self. All sweaty palms and trembling lips and yearning heart. Full of questions I dont have the courage to ask and feelings I dont know what to do with. Isnt one of the advantages of being 21 that you dont have to play the silly teenage mating games anymore? That youre sophisticated and experianced, and unruffleable.

BAH.

I feel like the universe has yanked the rug out from under my feet, and Im lying on my ass on a cold stone floor with my legs arranged over my head, my jaw hanging open in shock as twenty years worth of ridiculous sentimental bullshit is seeping its way out of my pores.}

And because you supressed that part of you for so long, when it finally escapes, it explodes out of you. An absolute monster in its invincibility and disregard for reason. A bawling, screaming, wailing toothless infant that is immune to concepts like self respect, composure or independance.
Its mine, he screams, I WANT it NOW. There is no way to silence this particular Beast of Id. You can only bite your lips together to keep them from opening and saying the things youre feeling outloud and emabarassing the crap out of yourself and forcing you to retire to a mountain top where the only creature who will hear you whine is the odd goat who'll glance at you disapprovingly before ushering its kids away so as to prevent them from picking up what is most certainly a vile kind of human madness.

I have been poleaxed by the universe. I feel like an absolute idiot.